If a cat could legally sign a lease, what clauses would it insist on?

If a cat were to take the role of a tenant, their lease would likely prioritize territory, security, and sensory comfort. Here are the clauses they would almost certainly insist on:

• The "Sunbeam Sovereignty" Clause: The tenant must be guaranteed at least three hours of direct, unobstructed sunlight on a preferred floor surface between the hours of 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM. Blinds must be installed with "peek-a-boo" access for perimeter monitoring.
• The "Zero-Tolerance Pest" Provision: Should a moth, spider, or fly enter the premises, the landlord is strictly prohibited from interfering. The tenant maintains exclusive hunting rights and expects the area to be cleared of furniture to facilitate the pursuit.
• The "Vertical Zoning" Addendum: The tenant reserves the right to install, at the landlord's expense, wall-mounted shelving and high-altitude perches. Horizontal surfaces are considered communal, but vertical space is strictly for the tenant's exclusive use.
• The "Emergency Egress" Guarantee: All doors leading to other rooms must be equipped with professional-grade latches that the tenant can operate, or the landlord must provide a "door-tending" service upon demand. Being on the wrong side of a closed door is considered a breach of contract.
• The "Late-Night Noise" Waiver: The tenant is exempt from all quiet-hour regulations. Activities involving 3:00 AM sprinting, the rhythmic batting of objects against baseboards, and vocal recitals are protected under the tenant’s right to self-expression.
• The "Fragrance-Free" Mandate: The landlord is strictly prohibited from using chemical air fresheners, essential oils, or scented candles, as the tenant’s olfactory senses are far superior to those of the landlord.
• The "Unannounced Entry" Prohibition: Any entry by the landlord into the apartment requires a minimum of ten minutes of advanced notice, provided via soft knocking. Abrupt entry without prior verbal notification shall be grounds for immediate retaliatory "zoomies."

If the landlord fails to meet these terms, the tenant reserves the right to exercise their "Strategic Shredding" clause, which allows for the redecorating of any upholstered furniture at their own discretion.